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Music. Its really great interacting with so many of you i get to talk talk to people all over the world and i get messages on youtube at a recovery com on my twitter account as well as my instagram account from places. That i never thought i would reach some recent communication from croatia.
So im so glad that you all are here. And i am really excited when unfaithful spouses reach out to me because i know that when i was an unfaithful spouse. I didnt reach out to anyone i was terrified there wasnt a lot of help 14 years ago.
I was afraid of being found out because i was in the public eye. I didnt see any safe place to go and ive had a couple of questions and ive even had a number of comments and talked to some unfaithful spouses who have the approach or have believed the lie that says. Its always gonna be like this.
I just have to get used to it im never gonna get over my affair partner. I dont have any desire for my spouse. So im just gonna fake it till.
I make it or well just stay together for the kids. And ill just miss my affair partner and always have this little corner of my heart or my heart will always be with my affair partner and i want to really help you be unfaithful. Understand that theres really not a lot of truth in those statements at all i also want to help you the betrayed understand that where does where do those statements come from why do they think that way and how can you help them.
But also how can you understand if theyre telling you those things. Its not exactly as much of a truth as they may have believed its more the deception that they have talked themselves into its more as a result of the chemical reaction. Thats been going on inside of them due to dopamine and adrenaline and things of that nature.
And its not necessarily the truth of who they are though they may be in this form of bondage mentally or even emotionally that they really dont know how to get them sells out of the reality is affairs are addictive emotionally mentally sexually and so when we as an unfaithful are trying to break free from our affair partner. There is this tug of war on a daily basis sometimes hourly to get us back to be with our affair partner part of the reason that affairs are so addictive and yes. I said addictive is because theres an adrenaline there the unfaithful spouse.
Most of them will struggle with a concept called limerence limerence is very similar to infatuation. But it is as of a result of the chemicals in our brain crystallizing. When we are with our affair.
Partner. You can study dopamine. You can study oxytocin.
You can message me. And i can get you some articles about it. But the reality is is its a very real struggle mentally that we become almost a prisoner.
You are not a prisoner to it you are almost a prisoner because theres always a choice. But what happens is we feel this addictive infatuate or e component that we have no idea how to get out of and so though the affair may be over. We still can struggle with this feeling of oh.
My gosh. Oh my gosh. But heres the problem affairs are fantasy life theyre not reality.
Typically when youre in an affair. Youre not living real life right. Theres typically not kids and expectations and responsibilities and mood swings and ups and downs and health issues and bills to pay and demands of children the pressures of life affairs are where we go to seemingly escape real life adult life pressures responsibility maturity.
Affairs are where we go to forget about all the other things that were so tired of and oppressed. By and swamped under a fair partners always make us feel great about ourselves. We dont always love our affair partners.
We love the way and a fair partner makes us feel about ourselves. So were really at some level using the affair partner to feel awesome about ourselves. Now before you kind of hit the send button as an unfaithful that doesnt mean that you dont care about your affair.
Partner and im not trying to undermine the basis of what you say youd legitimately felt for your affair partner. But the further and further and further away you get from your affair. The more that you will learn about what was going on inside of your mind and your heart.
When you were in the middle of the affair. You see when youre breaking free from the affair partner. There is a sobering up season.
There is absolutely a detoxing season much like a drug addict that you will have to go through it can be excruciating it can hurt like hell. It can deceive you into thinking. Its always going to be like this its not thats the lie thats the addiction thats the chemicals decreasing slowly.
But surely that is the pain of breaking free out of the bond that youve established with your affair partner. Some people from the christian community will call it a soul tie and you have established this soul tie with them you dont flip the switch and that disappears. Nor do you flip the switch from a addiction or a habit.
If youve had multiple affairs or been dealing with pornography over a year or ten or twenty or thirty years you dont flip a switch and make that behavior. Stop and so you have to understand there is a process to breaking free it takes time. But it takes recovery work that is expert driven one of the worst things you can do is an unfaithful spouse is to white knuckle.
It and think that im just gonna hold on im just going to not think about them i wont think about my affair partner. Im busy im busy im not thinking im sorry your willpower is not enough. And some of you might say well samuel you dont know me im strong.
I can do it you werent supposed to have an affair in the first place and typically. What rick told. Me was your life is a mess right now right youve done the unthinkable to your spouse.
And this is you its your best effort like this is your best work this is all of your willpower being exposed showing you what youre capable of doing to harm your spouse jeopardize your family jeopardize your future do you really want to put the rest of your recovery. The rest of your future. The rest of your family and life hinging on your willpower.
Which has failed miserably or do you want to do something different. And do you want to find a new way of healing. Now the mind of the unfaithful is a very difficult muddy plays.
The truth of the matter is sometimes we would rather and i can only say this looking back if youd had talked to me about it in the heat of the moment out of lied to you or i did id have fought you and said. Theres no way that thats true and i probably wouldnt even have known that this was a lie. But the reality is we would rather miss our affair partner.
We would rather be swallowed up in sorrow in self pity about our affair partner and what weve done to our own life. Then we are willing to get help and do recovery work and put energy and effort and face our shame and face our humiliation and confront ourselves. Wed rather lie in sorrow.
And wed rather kind of just be depressed and im not knocking depression at any level because ive been depressed and ive been on medication for depression so i understand that but i will tell you oftentimes. Wed rather feel sorry for ourselves. Wed rather curl up in a ball.
And just miss our fair partner or even use video blogs like this to say see. Its real that i miss. My affair partner.
So leave me alone and let me be wed rather do that in our selfishness and our dysfunction than we would man up or woman up and actually get recovery work do the hard work find an ems weekend come to a weekend intensive or find some other medium like the beyond affairs network or surviving infidelity calm or xxx church or any of those things. We kind of rather feel sorry for ourselves you see until the pain of staying the same exceeds. The pain of trying to change or getting help were probably going to stay the same because we dont know how to set ourselves free.
We think that we do and we tell ourselves that we do and we tell our spouses. Our partners and our friends and our family that we know the problem is we dont or we cant do it now something that i need to tell you that is going to probably upset some of you and i never try to do that but i just want to throw that out to help you understand that this is a big truth and its gonna hurt a little bit. But it needs to be said one of the worst people for the unfaithful spouse to process their feelings about their affair partner with or the struggles that theyre having to break free and detox from the affair partner with is their spouse they need a third party.
Whos objective. They need a third party. Whos not going to shame them or even give them advice per se.
But its going to absorb them absorb their information support them. And if they have been through infidelity or addiction. Give them some things to do to continue to stay sober thats not going to be the spouse.
The spouse is too reactive to hurt in too much pain and has probably not been through infidelity before and so having them be there if their accountability. Partner or their main person to process with is going to be far too difficult and far more painful than having. The unfaithful spouse find something like hope for healing on our website or other programs at xxx church or other different mediums like that to be able to start to come clean get clean and stay clean music you .
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